She’s out of this world. I’m struggling a little bit today, but it’s better than yesterday. I can talk most of the time without the lump in my throat stopping my voice. I have found that when the pressure in my head gets to be too painful and tight, that I need to stop, remember her, and cry. It releases the pressure.

I had therapy yesterday and my amazing therapist spent the whole time helping me cry, talk, and realize I am not dumb for feeling this way.

I was able to call a few people this morning and talk on the phone and even laugh. There are times I catch myself smiling at a memory, and other times I am sobbing uncontrollably.

I was walking through the house that feels so empty and talking on the phone when I noticed them. A cardinal pair that visits our feeders were out there. But they seemed to be on a mission. I saw them through the kitchen window while making my coffee. Then, as I was gathering my clothes to get dressed, I saw the female at the front window, staring into the house. I had to stop and notice her. I also saw her last night, she was up at the barn in the lilac bush, so close to me that I could reach out and touch her. I do understand that many would say it’s not possible, but there is an old wives’ tale that a cardinal sighting is a visit from someone who has passed. My brain wants to deny that as a reality, but heart whispers “It’s a God thing, he is letting you know she’s okay by allowing her to send you a cardinal.”

I continued with going up to the barn for chores, my heart both heavy and light. Spring is in the air and today I would have had Lainey with me. She loves this kind of weather; the mud is a delight to her and the horse poop is finally thawed enough that she can have a good snack. It’s also a day I will be riding, and she would have been trotting along with me.

My head slowly started to build up pressure, it feels like it will explode. I turned to the sound of Mary’s bus coming in. My eyes traveled to the patio door, which I have been avoiding looking at. You see, Lainey will sit at the back door to ask me to let her out to join me. I just couldn’t look at that door! The bus made me look, and I saw a black and white muzzle. I kept blinking and thinking that my eyes were playing tricks on me. I asked Kristin if she could see it, and she said yes! But look its Bella.

I waited for Mary’s bus to leave and slowly walked to the house, my head pounding with pressure and tears starting to leak out of my eyes. Bella was standing there, her eyes never leaving my face and a gentle look of love in her eyes. I opened the door to let her out, thinking she needed to go potty. She didn’t move past me; she kept her eyes focused on my face in the same manner Lainey always did. I leaned down, and she put her muzzle up to my face, I slowly lowered my head to hers and the tears streamed down my face. I dropped to my knee and hugged her neck, never losing contact with her head. The pressure in my head eased the tears slowed down, Bella shifted, and our contact broke. She kept her eyes on my face as I asked her one again if she needed to go potty. She slowly turned and faced the door and walked back into the house. How did she know I needed a hug?

Riding with Mary was a bit hard, facing the house was harder, but we got though the lesson. Sassy and Nora were rockstars and followed all that Mary and I asked of them. I was able to finish my morning at the barn, but noticed it was icy up at the barn entrance.

I walked down to the house to get the ice melt, and I saw this…. Lainey in the gelding’s pasture, watching me like she always does. Head turned towards me, eyes never leaving my face. She’s In another world, but still in my heart. Thank you, dear Father, for this. For these glimpses and bringing peace to my heart when I need it.

I wouldn’t trade the last 17 years for anything. It has been such an honor to be loved by her, and an honor that God, my animals, and people in my life are all are taking care of my wounded heart and helping me put it back together again. Today I realized that she may not be in this physical world any longer, but she is always going to be a part of who I am and live in my heart forever.