This morning I wanted to go out to the picnic table by the barn to do my bible study, but a quick check of the temperature outside made me turn around and come back to the house. Life is like that isn’t it? We have an idea, but have to change plans because of circumstances beyond our control. How we react to the change pretty much sets up our day and our lives.

I used to have trouble with changes like that. I would get frustrated, or depressed and either feel angry or shut down and feel exhausted to the point that each footstep I took throughout the day was a struggle, it felt like I was walking in mud. Talking was hard, smiling was impossible, and my attitude was negative.

I’ve been working on it, I really have. Last weekend I even went to a conference called “Battlefield of the Mind”. What I have learned over the past two years have been a game changer, and after much contemplation I have decided to share a bit of what I have learned.

“You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind”. It’s a quote from Joyce Meyer. The first time I heard her say it, I was rocked back on my heels. She’s right, if I think negative thoughts about myself, my situation, and others, how can I live a positive life? How can I live a happy life? How can I have joy deep in my heart? Even though I am a Christian, I sure didn’t feel like I had the joy of Jesus in my soul and I didn’t realize that I could change it all just by changing the thoughts in my mind.

“What? Change the thoughts in my mind? How?”. Yep, that was my first thought. Then my second thought was “It’s too hard!”.

We are wired that way, you know. We are wired to allow negative thoughts to prevail in our minds and hearts. If we do something and 99 people tell us we were amazing and just 1 person tells us they didn’t like it. We typically throw out the 99 positive responses and take in the 1 negative response. Not only do we take the negative response, we mull over it, we meditate over it and often, I would let that one negative thought turn me into someone who didn’t want to try ever again. I would give up, freeze, and go take a nap.

As time went on, the freezing and exhaustion deep in my soul got worse. I lived each day waiting to take a nap. I would come in from chores, hurry and eat lunch, find Lainey and curl up in bed with her until it was time for night chores. I was always exhausted, I had flashes of happiness, but would feel the exhaustion creeping in and would shut down.

Those closest to me, would see it. The sudden change would confuse them and I’m sure they wondered what was wrong with me. There were times they would ask me if I was sick. Sometimes I would say I was under the weather, and other times I would grab my bootstraps and pull myself up again until I got home, where I would either seek out Lainey and take a nap, or sit still on the couch either knitting or playing games on my phone. The tasks I needed to do started piling up, and I would feel lazy and like a failure. The more I sat and ignored living life, the worse I felt. I started to wish I could just make myself so small that I would just disappear. Poof, leave, I wasn’t contributing to this life, this world, and in my head I thought no one would miss me, maybe even be relived I was gone. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to disappear. The crazy thing is that I couldn’t figure out where to go. Who would take in someone like that? It’s so goofy and the more I shut out joy and living life, the tighter the circle of negative thoughts became, it felt like I was spinning, and about to go down the drain.

Slowly I have started to crawl out of the spin. It’s hard because that drain pulls hard and the darkness and isolation can be soothing. It’s hard to change your thought pattern, it’s hard to admit you’re a mess and it’s really scary to look for help. But, I have become a Grandma, a Godmother, and a Mother-In-Law in the past three years. I don’t want them to know me like this, I wasn’t always like this and I wanted to find the old Cheryl and bring her back.

My first step was to find a counselor, I wanted a Christian counselor because I know God is The Healer. He created me and he can fix me. Making that first phone call to set up counseling is hard. So many thought ran through my head, “Counseling? Wow, you’re weak, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, if you’re really a Christian, just pray about it, what will people think, you’re just lazy, you’re stupid, no-one can help you”. The list of negative thoughts went on and on and I probably would run out of paper if I tried to list them all. It’s amazing how many negative thoughts I had about myself, and how quickly they looped over and over again in my mind.

I did find a counselor, and she is amazing. She has helped me see that I am not a mistake, that God loved me first, that others struggle as I do, and has given me both bible verses to help me, and skills to overcome negative thoughts. She also prays for me before every session.

My second step was to study the bible. I found Joyce Meyer and she pointed me to bible scriptures to help me heal my mind. In fact she wrote a book “Battlefield of the Mind”, which I am reading now. Even if you’re not a believer of God, she can help you heal your mind. She has taught me how to grab negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts through bible verses and her life experiences. She’s given me the knowledge of how to overcome the intense dislike that I had for myself and the negative thoughts I had all the time.

My third step, help other people when I can. Isn’t that amazing! As soon as I started paying attention to other people, and spending time with them I found negative thoughts being replaced by positive ones. I also was able to think and pray about their problems and found mine disappearing or getting easier to handle. I love it. Now, when people come to the barn, I don’t sneak back to the house and hide. I stay, I say “here I am”, and I talk to them. We share stories, we share friendship, and we share the love of our horses with each other.

I’m still a work in progress and I’m sure there will be more steps to take. Losing Lainey was a huge hit to my recovery of a joy filled life. I’m coming around though. I loved her so much, and still feel her loss every day. Lainey wasn’t just my dog, she was a part of me and it feels like I have a hole in my soul right now. I don’t think it will ever go away, but I hope someday I can get another little dog that can help me form a scab over the hole. My hope is that she will help me grow a bigger heart for her so she take up space in it. (Yes, in my mind my next dog will be a her).

I have started to love being with the horses again. I love riding and hanging out with Sassy. She’s the one that has called to me, and any day I am not with her makes me anxious to meet up with her the next day. I haven’t felt like this in years! My anticipation to spend time with her makes me feel like a little girl again that is in love with horses.

I feel more now, my positive emotions are returning. The anticipation of spring, the love pounding in my heart for other people and for nature. I look out the window and see the beauty that my Father in heaven created for us all to enjoy and it is good.

I still have hard days. The “I want to disappear days”, but you know what? They are shorter, sometimes they last only a moment, sometimes they do take up an entire day. I rest on those long days and have learned to give myself grace, I grab my knitting, my bible, listen to an uplifting podcast, or yes, still lay down and take a nap with my new pillow snuggled up against me.

Life has become a journey, a hard one at times and a wonderful one at times. What I have discovered is that you still can have joy deep in your heart even when you are circling the drain. I know you can, because I am doing it. Life is a battlefield in our mind, and we just have to find ways to fight the good fight and give ourselves grace when it’s needed. We are all worthy, we are all loved, and all of us have a purpose!