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Full Circle

JJ and me, Shannon and Lucy, the four of us made a great team back in the beginning of my life with horses.

“Shannon is moving back to Minnesota!”, her mom told me while we were in the barn with our horses. My first thought was, “wouldn’t it be nice if she brings her horses here? It would be like the old days.” Shannon was my first apprentice, then the first person that ever worked with me. She was here helping me as I set up my lesson program and helped me run the boarding stable, and run the summer camps. I sold her the first foal that was born here, and helped her train him as he grew up. I blinked my eyes and she grew up, moved away, got married, had children, and now she was planning to move back. Of course I wanted her to be here, it’s a dream come true.

She was looking for a house with land so she could keep her horses at home and run her business. She is a licensed counselor and also a certified Eagala practitioner. Eagala stands for Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association. Shannon talked to me a bit about Eagala and it sure sounded interesting. I was drawn to it, and started doing my own research.

Eagala was founded in 1999 and is one of the first programs to develop standards to incorporate horses into mental health treatment programs. What really made me lean in and want to learn more about Eagala is the fact that the horses are not ridden. They are not haltered, they are free to chose to be involved in the process of mental health healing of humans, or they can chose to walk away. The amazing thing is that the horses usually chose to be involved. That, right there, is what amazes me. The horses chose to help us.

Shannon, her husband and her parents continued to search for the perfect spot for them, and they finally found it! Paperwork was signed and all they had to do was sell their home in Virginia. But alas, that fell through and they lost the horse property here. Time was of an essence so Shannon’s parents, Kim and Pete, found a home just three miles from Davenport Stables! I received a phone call from Shannon asking if I had room for her three horses. Of course I said Yes! I will never forget the first time Shannon came out as a boarder. The time fell away I looked up and saw the beginning of Davenport Stables all over again. The memories flooded me, the tears, the love, the heart ache, the learning, the smiles of all the children and adults as they learned to ride, and all the horses we took in, some we kept for the lesson programs, some we sold, and for some, unfortunately we were too late to save and they had to be put down. Having Shannon and her horses here again made my heart full that day.

Soon after she arrived, she and her husband welcomed their third child into the world. She had some downtime due to her maternity leave and we talked about the Eagala model. She explained that the team was made up of three professionals, the counselor, the horses, and the equine specialist. She told me I would make a good equine specialist and asked if I would be interested in being on her team. My first thought was absolutely yes! my second thought was, “am I too old to be starting a new career?”, and then my third and final though was, “how nice would it be to be on a team and not always be the leader?”, that third thought is what hooked me.

I read a book on Eagala, watched videos about the program. Learned that the horses know what they are doing, and found out that as the equine specialist I get to do what I love to do. Watch the horses, feel their thoughts, and tell someone what I see. It felt like I slipped into something special and comfortable as I practiced with Shannon. Several of our boarders and John, my husband, let us practice on them. I loved being in the herd, and watching them help Shannon and the clients see what they needed to see. Listening to Shannon work with our clients made me realize that she is a great counselor, I love watching her work and listening to her help other people. Having the horses be involved made me realize how much God loves us. He brings us animals to help us, they show us where balance is. God made them with the ability to help us get to balance. I can’t fathom how much God loves us to do that for us. The horses and other animals that help with the Eagala programs are truly angels sent from God.

We’re ready to say, “We are here, come and be Filled at our first clinic open to people other than our boarders.” This is a 2 day workshop focusing on realigning your energy, emptying what is not needed, and filling up on what your body, mind, and soul needs. Join us Friday September 5th from 5-7 pm and Saturday, the 6th from 9 am-12 pm. We are taking 10 participants. Please call or text Shannon at (651) 600-7928 for pricing and more information. (Yes this is an announcement, I feel like shouting it from the rooftops!)

This all feels surreal to me, what is happening, but I love it. I love that at the age of 59 I am launching a new career, I love that my new career involves horses, and that we get to help other people heal their mind and soul. I hope to make a difference and am excited to see where God leads us all in this.

Having Shannon be the person who started this process in me makes me realize life does come full circle. She helped me start up Davenport Stables, and now I am with her as she steps out into the world in this new business. I am truly blessed indeed.

And now Shannon and I are teaming up again, with a new group of horses and a new vision.

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Free Will

We all have it, free will, whether we realize it or not. In this stage of my life I’m not sure I really like the option of free will.

They told me when she was diagnosed with CF that they believed in her lifetime she would see a cure or something close to to a cure. How right they were! We celebrated when Tikafta came out. Gene therapy for Cystic Fibrosis!

Wait, “what’s Cystic Fibrosis?”, you ask. Well, I can tell you what every mother has memorized in both their hearts and mind if they have a child with the disease. Cystic Fibrosis is the leading genetic killer of Caucasians of European descent. It leads to sticky mucus build up in organs of the body, particularly the lungs which progresses until it ends in respiratory failure.

She moved to Tennessee, 10 years ago. Everyone that is close to me know this. They know how I struggled, the tears of frustration and worry as I watched her respiratory distress increase and she used her free will to stay in Tennessee.

Many of you complemented me on how strong I am to let her follow her dream. I didn’t let her, I had no choice! I had to let her go. Do you know that every time someone said that to me I wanted to bop them on the head and scream? She left here with 90 percent lung function. She now has 55 percent. I can’t stand it.

At his wedding I danced with him, and then let him go. He walked away on his own free will and joined with his new wife. There are times I want to call him and have him meet me at the movies, or go sort cattle, or a trail ride. He can’t now, he has his own beautiful family, but there are times I feel lost and wish I could make him 5 again. Have him hold my hand, and walk with me into a store, or play video games with me until way past his bed time. He was my little man and my friend in times of darkness. He made me laugh when his little sister was sick, he kept me in this world when some of my world would collapse. He kept things normal, when they felt so sideways. I miss my little man, and being the biggest influence in his life. I miss holding him in my lap as he falls asleep, or rocking him when he is sick, and staying up way to late playing Spiro the Dragon.

I now have a new daughter because of him. Our daughter in law is very kind and we enjoy having her in the family. She makes us laugh and also is a very good cook! We enjoy having dinner with them, and I have learned how to be a better cook through watching her and learning. I like watching her free will! She’s independent, smart, and loving.

I have a granddaughter now that I get to hold in my arms, play with, and be totally goofy with. Having a granddaughter has allowed me to be a kid all over again! It’s absolutely awesome and I cherish every moment I get to spend with her. She is such a delight and she rocks my world. Especially when she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and says “Mia!”. (she has named me Mia, and I love it). She would not be here, if he didn’t have free will.

She already is developing free will

They will soon start to see her free will develop, I don’t envy them that as she grows older and starts to fly. The little pieces that she will take back from them as she develops, they won’t see it at first, then all of a sudden they will wonder when she became so independent. She will fly, because she is amazing and they are wonderful parents. They won’t clip her wings, they will let her fly.

I cry out to God, “make her come back!” I need to care for her, I can’t live without her in this world and I see the time bomb. I see her getting weaker, I hear the pauses in her words as she speaks just so she can catch her breath. She’s losing weight because eating takes away her ability to breath. Try it, try to breath as you eat. You can’t. One time she told us breathing for her feels like breathing through a straw. I’ve tried it, it’s hard.

I talked to her last night. She is so good in her mind, and soul. I rail against God. I want her back, I want control. But! She’s happy, she’s making plans. I see her happiness and I can’t take that away. Ah, free will. I wish I could take it away from her, but I can’t. I’m starting to understand why God gave us free will, it’s a hard lesson to learn as you watch your children use theirs. You see them struggle, make decisions that might not be the best, but you also see them grow, shine, gain confidence, stumble and pick themselves up again. You see them blossom because they are free. Then they turn to you and say how they love you for giving them free will and the chance to live their lives. They come to you willingly, call you, text you, and become your friends. God wishes the same for us. To come back to him and call him, talk to him, and welcome him into our lives on our own free will.

I am learning how to enjoy my children’s free will. Last night they both called me. My heart sang, I love them and am so proud of them. But what warms my heart and settles my spirit the most is that they call me, want a relationship with me, and are my friends. And they chose to do those things of their own free will.

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Trust Me

I woke up feeling excitement but not sure where it was coming from, then I remembered. “I’m going to sort cattle today.” My stomach got that little tickle in it as I got out of bed, the anticipation and the nerves were there, but also the excitement to be around cattle and meeting other people in the horse world.

It didn’t take long to get Sassy loaded in the trailer and off we went. We had 3 horses headed over to the arena for some fun. Shannon and I were going to be a team and Kate was teaming up with the gal who sold her Waylon, a nice 5 year old quarter Horse.

Shannon’s mare, Bella, and Sassy are from the same herd so they knew each other well. Bella had worked with cattle before, but my Sassy girl had never seen a cow. I was excited and nervous to see what she thought. I’ve seen horses terrified of cows and unable to be around them and I was hoping that Sassy would trust me enough to do this.

Shannon and I quickly saddled up and went into the arena where we tied up our girls and signed up for the competition. At that moment my stomach clenched and I was full of nerves, negative thoughts ran through my mind and I had tingles up and down my spine. I had to stop and breathe, look around, close my eyes and let my other senses take over. The smell of the horses, the gentle nickers as they greeted each other, or the loud squeals of two strangers meeting for the first time. I leaned my forehead against Sassy’s neck and I listened to her slow breathing and felt her heartbeat under my hand. I took another deep breath and reached for her bridle, I dropped her halter and gently placed the bridle on her face as she accepted the bit from my hand.

We walked to the mounting block, checked our cinches and then we were up! Shannon and I steered our horses into the arena and joined the melee. At first glance it looked and sounded like chaos. Horses moving in all directions, at different speeds in one area, while in another the horses and riders were standing in small groups visiting with each other. There was a large pen in the arena that some were standing around and the cattle were being let into. Shannon and I moved into the circle of riders moving together at the walk and trot and gently eased them forward. Bella was a bit fired up with all the other horses and started prancing a bit and jigging close to Sassy, while Sassy seemed relaxed until… we turned on the backside of the circle and she saw the cattle, “Wow, what’s that?” she seemed to say as she froze in place. “Bella, What is that, no wait.. what are those?” Bella just kept moving forward prancing with excitement and I reached down and patted Sassy’s neck to reassure her. “It’s okay Sassy, trust me.” We kept in our trotting circle, and she exhibited some really nice side passes and half passes as we moved forward, we may have even done some pirouettes as she kept her eyes on those strange creatures that we call cows. As Sassy was working on showing me all her lateral moves, and spins and such, I stayed with her and kept saying “Trust me, Sassy girl, I’ve got you, we’re fine, I won’t leave you.”

She eventually settled down and I had discovered inside of all the care and positive thoughts I was sending Sassy that I had lost my sense of nervousness. I even felt sure, calm, and relaxed. I was able to breathe it all in, and tears silently coursed down my cheeks. I turned to Shannon and said “I’m crying, this feels like home”. Memories of being on the farm in Oklahoma and going out to count cattle, or move them from one pasture to another, were filling my mind and soul with joy. I felt like that little girl again on the back of a really nice horse, with the Oklahoma sun shining down on her and hearing the gentle sounds of the cattle. It was home, it was sweet and it was good.

We’re learning!

But then, we had to move closer to the cattle, we needed Sassy to move them and feel confident to do it. Shannon and I sidled up to the gate and we were noticed by a man on a big palomino. He asked us if we had ever done this before, we replied that Sassy had never seen a cow. He told us to follow him in with the cattle and he would teach us. Bella and Shannon took the lead, with Sassy and I bringing up the rear. Bella took to it like a duck to water, that little mare sure has some confidence! Sassy was scared but I kept whispering to her, “trust me, I’ve got you” and then pushed her up close to Bella like the guy told me to. Bella stepped out of the way and right before Sassy’s nose was the rear end of a cow! She stopped; feeling a bit surprised, but I nudged her again and as she stepped forward which caused the cow to move away. Before you knew it, she was chasing the cow!

The little steer moved away from Sassy, and she chased it!

I felt her body change and the trust she had in me came up into my hands. She gave me herself and we chased that cow into the next pen! It was awesome and Sassy felt lighter, and almost on her toes. Oh, but when we turned around she was facing the herd of cattle again, and before I knew it I was facing the other way! Wow, Sassy can spin! I asked her to turn back, supporting her with my knees and hands and mumbling under my breath, “I love you, trust me, I won’t let you down”. Bella crossed in front of us again and we followed, we repeated the process and Sassy chased another cow. The love I have for my horse swelled up into my heart and laughter bubbled up inside me. I felt pure delight in her and awe that she trusted me like that. Her trust in me gave me the confidence to keep trying until we were chasing the cow together. Her trust in me, gave us wings!

We had to leave the pen so other people could show their horses the cattle and give it a try. We went back to the fence and watched the other horses practice, there were a few times a cow would approach where we were standing and Sassy would freeze a bit, but other times she stayed solid and watched them with her ears pricked forward.

Shannon, Bella, and Sassy and I ended up enjoying our time there. We were able to make it through three runs before we had to leave and go home. Sassy ended up trusting me and following my lead through what she considered a valley full of scary creatures. She was able to keep herself with me, to listen to my voice and follow my love for her and we got through to the other side because she trusted me. It reminded me of what God does for us. He sees the big picture, he knows the plans he has for us. But we tremble in fear of the unknown and sometimes can’t hear His voice. We get distracted with the other voices in our heads and the voices of society and we stumble and feel alone because that is all we hear. We also have free will which can really make us fall. But God always is there, he is waiting for us to listen for his voice, his direction and council. Sometimes when we have the scary things enter into our lives, the unthinkable happens, but if we can find Gods voice in our valley, we can make it though to the other side. I’m slowing starting to understand that. Psalm 23 now makes sense to me in a way I never thought it could. God is there, He never intended bad things to happen to us, and when they do he doesn’t leave us or forsake us, he is waiting for us to follow him to the green pastures and to help us lay down and rest by the still waters.

Sassy and I had so much fun that day. I do believe Sassy enjoyed herself. The last couple runs with the cattle she was pinning her ears back at them and pushing them along. I think if you asked her she would say yes to doing it again. I am grateful that my horse trusts me and knows I will always try to do the best I can for her, and even when bad things happen, I will step up and work the bad for her good in some way. I love her and she trusts that love.

With trust in me, Sassy was able to face her fears.

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Friends

Sometimes friendship comes out of nowhere. One minute you’re nervous about meeting someone new, whether it’s a new client, co-worker, friend of a friend, your potential in-laws, or a stranger you meet at an event. They come into your life at random times, but they end up being as close to you as family and some are family! We are so blessed that we can make connections with other people even though they may not be related by blood. Usually, it starts out with a common love of something, like watching your child play a sport, a brother or sister of your spouse, a hobby/way of life such as owning a horse or going to your dogs obedience class, or a neighbor you meet as your dogs play together through your fence.

It feels so random, but ends up changing your life. At first you have small talk with each other, but before you know it, they become the first person you call when you have any kind of news. They become your “people” your family, and your confidante. Aren’t we lucky that we get that chance? I am so blessed by my friends that I count as my family, and my family that I count among my friends, and I’m sure many of you are too.

Then you have the friends you don’t see for months or even years at a time. But as soon as you see them you immediately connect in such a way that it seems like you never spent any time apart. Those friends are the comfy couches in our lives. The love and companionship instantly returns and all seems well with your soul.

We are very lucky that God made us social creatures where we can have awesome families and then also supplement and complete our lives with awesome friends. I am so grateful for all of them, even the ones that are no longer in my life. We change, we move on and all of a sudden we realize we haven’t seen someone for a year or even longer. They still come to my mind with happy thoughts and great memories and there is tug in my heart as I miss them, but it’s okay. Sometimes we take a turn in the road while we are on our journey. Those are the people I remember with fondness and who knows? Maybe I will run into them again and we will pick up right where we left off.

Friends! They are priceless and I don’t know what I would do without their love and support as I walk through this life.

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A New Mind, a Joyful Life

A new day, a clean slate.

This morning I wanted to go out to the picnic table by the barn to do my bible study, but a quick check of the temperature outside made me turn around and come back to the house. Life is like that isn’t it? We have an idea, but have to change plans because of circumstances beyond our control. How we react to the change pretty much sets up our day and our lives.

I used to have trouble with changes like that. I would get frustrated, or depressed and either feel angry or shut down and feel exhausted to the point that each footstep I took throughout the day was a struggle, it felt like I was walking in mud. Talking was hard, smiling was impossible, and my attitude was negative.

I’ve been working on it, I really have. Last weekend I even went to a conference called “Battlefield of the Mind”. What I have learned over the past two years have been a game changer, and after much contemplation I have decided to share a bit of what I have learned.

“You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind”. It’s a quote from Joyce Meyer. The first time I heard her say it, I was rocked back on my heels. She’s right, if I think negative thoughts about myself, my situation, and others, how can I live a positive life? How can I live a happy life? How can I have joy deep in my heart? Even though I am a Christian, I sure didn’t feel like I had the joy of Jesus in my soul and I didn’t realize that I could change it all just by changing the thoughts in my mind.

“What? Change the thoughts in my mind? How?”. Yep, that was my first thought. Then my second thought was “It’s too hard!”.

We are wired that way, you know. We are wired to allow negative thoughts to prevail in our minds and hearts. If we do something and 99 people tell us we were amazing and just 1 person tells us they didn’t like it. We typically throw out the 99 positive responses and take in the 1 negative response. Not only do we take the negative response, we mull over it, we meditate over it and often, I would let that one negative thought turn me into someone who didn’t want to try ever again. I would give up, freeze, and go take a nap.

As time went on, the freezing and exhaustion deep in my soul got worse. I lived each day waiting to take a nap. I would come in from chores, hurry and eat lunch, find Lainey and curl up in bed with her until it was time for night chores. I was always exhausted, I had flashes of happiness, but would feel the exhaustion creeping in and would shut down.

Those closest to me, would see it. The sudden change would confuse them and I’m sure they wondered what was wrong with me. There were times they would ask me if I was sick. Sometimes I would say I was under the weather, and other times I would grab my bootstraps and pull myself up again until I got home, where I would either seek out Lainey and take a nap, or sit still on the couch either knitting or playing games on my phone. The tasks I needed to do started piling up, and I would feel lazy and like a failure. The more I sat and ignored living life, the worse I felt. I started to wish I could just make myself so small that I would just disappear. Poof, leave, I wasn’t contributing to this life, this world, and in my head I thought no one would miss me, maybe even be relived I was gone. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to disappear. The crazy thing is that I couldn’t figure out where to go. Who would take in someone like that? It’s so goofy and the more I shut out joy and living life, the tighter the circle of negative thoughts became, it felt like I was spinning, and about to go down the drain.

Slowly I have started to crawl out of the spin. It’s hard because that drain pulls hard and the darkness and isolation can be soothing. It’s hard to change your thought pattern, it’s hard to admit you’re a mess and it’s really scary to look for help. But, I have become a Grandma, a Godmother, and a Mother-In-Law in the past three years. I don’t want them to know me like this, I wasn’t always like this and I wanted to find the old Cheryl and bring her back.

My first step was to find a counselor, I wanted a Christian counselor because I know God is The Healer. He created me and he can fix me. Making that first phone call to set up counseling is hard. So many thought ran through my head, “Counseling? Wow, you’re weak, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, if you’re really a Christian, just pray about it, what will people think, you’re just lazy, you’re stupid, no-one can help you”. The list of negative thoughts went on and on and I probably would run out of paper if I tried to list them all. It’s amazing how many negative thoughts I had about myself, and how quickly they looped over and over again in my mind.

I did find a counselor, and she is amazing. She has helped me see that I am not a mistake, that God loved me first, that others struggle as I do, and has given me both bible verses to help me, and skills to overcome negative thoughts. She also prays for me before every session.

My second step was to study the bible. I found Joyce Meyer and she pointed me to bible scriptures to help me heal my mind. In fact she wrote a book “Battlefield of the Mind”, which I am reading now. Even if you’re not a believer of God, she can help you heal your mind. She has taught me how to grab negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts through bible verses and her life experiences. She’s given me the knowledge of how to overcome the intense dislike that I had for myself and the negative thoughts I had all the time.

My third step, help other people when I can. Isn’t that amazing! As soon as I started paying attention to other people, and spending time with them I found negative thoughts being replaced by positive ones. I also was able to think and pray about their problems and found mine disappearing or getting easier to handle. I love it. Now, when people come to the barn, I don’t sneak back to the house and hide. I stay, I say “here I am”, and I talk to them. We share stories, we share friendship, and we share the love of our horses with each other.

I’m still a work in progress and I’m sure there will be more steps to take. Losing Lainey was a huge hit to my recovery of a joy filled life. I’m coming around though. I loved her so much, and still feel her loss every day. Lainey wasn’t just my dog, she was a part of me and it feels like I have a hole in my soul right now. I don’t think it will ever go away, but I hope someday I can get another little dog that can help me form a scab over the hole. My hope is that she will help me grow a bigger heart for her so she take up space in it. (Yes, in my mind my next dog will be a her).

Sassy, she calls me to her and we find quiet moments like this.

I have started to love being with the horses again. I love riding and hanging out with Sassy. She’s the one that has called to me, and any day I am not with her makes me anxious to meet up with her the next day. I haven’t felt like this in years! My anticipation to spend time with her makes me feel like a little girl again that is in love with horses.

I feel more now, my positive emotions are returning. The anticipation of spring, the love pounding in my heart for other people and for nature. I look out the window and see the beauty that my Father in heaven created for us all to enjoy and it is good.

I still have hard days. The “I want to disappear days”, but you know what? They are shorter, sometimes they last only a moment, sometimes they do take up an entire day. I rest on those long days and have learned to give myself grace, I grab my knitting, my bible, listen to an uplifting podcast, or yes, still lay down and take a nap with my new pillow snuggled up against me.

My new pillow

Life has become a journey, a hard one at times and a wonderful one at times. What I have discovered is that you still can have joy deep in your heart even when you are circling the drain. I know you can, because I am doing it. Life is a battlefield in our mind, and we just have to find ways to fight the good fight and give ourselves grace when it’s needed. We are all worthy, we are all loved, and all of us have a purpose!

Posted on by davenportstables · 3 Comments

Dear Lainey….

Lainey showing Boomer the ropes when he was a pup.

Hi Lainey. How is it going up there? I miss you so I thought I would continue to talk to you through letters for a while.

You would be proud of your little brothers and sister. They are stepping up to the plate and spending time with me, even though they know I’m your person. When you first left, there was a huge hole here in the house. We felt like there was something missing all of the time. Boomer, Gunner, and Bella were very mellow, they laid around a lot. Often it was so quiet in the house I forgot that they were here with me. But now things are changing. Life is coming back to this house, but it’s different. There is a different flow of movement between your packmates. Bella lays in your spot next to the tv most of the time. We put her bed there because when we packed away your little bed, it looked so empty. Bella likes her new spot and now that she’s getting older, she is there a lot. It is nice to see her sleeping there and at times when I see her out of the corner of my eye, it looks like you are there and it’s comforting. Boomer often lays next to me on the couch where you used to lay. There are times puts his head next to my knitting basket just like you. Did you tell him to do that? I stop knitting and pet him when he does that, just like I did with you and it brings me great comfort. When we go to bed at night there are times that Gunner hops in the bed with us and he lays in your spot between us for a little while. He doesn’t stay the whole night, just comes for a quick visit, but it is enough to make us smile and think of you.

Lainey, did you tell him to do this?

Your little bed went to Tennessee with Danielle. It now is a cat bed. Can you believe it? There are cats sleeping in your bed, but the cats belong to Danielle’s roommates and Danielle says it makes her heart happy to see your bed there. She says it’s like there is a piece of you with her. I’m sure you’re okay with the cats sleeping in your bed if that means Danielle is happy.

Bella has been going on car rides with me. I wish she could ride in the front seat like you did, but she sets off the seat alarm! It’s so easy to forget how little you were because your personality was so big. Bella rides in the back seat and sometimes puts her front paws next to me on the arm rest. It is soothing to me when I hear her breathing and her soft whines and snuffles when she sniffs the air at the window. I’ve missed you going on car rides with me when you stopped enjoying them. It’s nice to have a dog running around town with me again.

Boomer has blossomed into a nice chore dog. He enjoys being in the barn with all of the ladies during morning chores and he knows for certain that everyone loves him. He is listening really well too and comes back to me when I call him. He is everyone’s best friend, except for Eddie the cat. Eddie definitely doesn’t like him; maybe it’s because he chases Eddie every time, he sees him. I guess we need to work on that a bit. Boomer is really good with the chickens though, and will even gather the eggs, even if we don’t ask him to. Speaking of chickens, did I tell you we are getting more? Yep, they’re coming in May. Maybe you could whisper down here to your brothers and sister and tell them to help me keep the little chicks safe as they grow up. Okay?

Boomer, Bella, and Gunner say Hi!

I think the biggest surprise is Gunner. Your baby brother had his first lesson as a horse dog today. He did really well, and I think he may be the winner of helping me with the horses and accompanying me during my rides and lessons. He seemed to be in his element today and there were times I actually felt like he was laughing with pure joy at his job. He relished his own power and energy, and the horses seemed to accept him and his new role. All we need to work on is keeping him with us a little better, he got distracted by a few rabbits today and took off through the woods, but his recall is good, and he came right back.

Oh, Lainey girl, I miss you and I still wish you were here, but I feel you, I see you in the shadows and all the memories we made together make me smile more than they make me cry now. Boomer, Gunner, and Bella are all doing a great job of helping and I know you would be proud of them. I was afraid I would start to forget you, or not honor you enough, but through the other dogs I still see you, I still remember you and I will always love you. Thanks for all the love and the memories.

Well, I need to go out and do night chores with Boomer. I hope you come to see me in my dreams. I will write to you again.

Love,

Cheryl,

Posted on by davenportstables

Broken Bootstraps

Why does it still hurt this much? Today after chores I am going to pick up Lainey one last time, except she won’t be looking at me with her smiling face or asking to come over and sit in my lap or putting her feet on the armrest to look out the window. All that she will be is ashes in a box. Why isn’t this getting easier? Why can’t I sleep at night? How does a little 9 pound dog take up so much space in my heart that it feels broken?

I keep telling myself to stop! That it’s enough, but I can’t stop. As soon as my mind gets quiet, I see her face. I start to remember everything about her, all that we did together, and I feel like I can’t stop crying. At some point, won’t I run out of tears? I mean, she’s just a dog, right? But she’s not, she was my constant companion. She slept next to me; I fell asleep listening to her little snores. I woke up and was soothed by her breathing and her body snuggled up to my back. Night chores were our special time together because we had the barn to ourselves. We had a rhythm, a connection, and a shared joy of everything outside. We had a quiet friendship, and she asked nothing from me. everywhere I went, she went as well, quietly supporting me. I would see her out of the corner of my eyes, turn my head and look at her and be amazed that her eyes were on me, just waiting for me to see her. She was always checking in and she dedicated her entire life to being my dog. I often would notice that about her and wonder how did God think I deserved a dog like her? Where did this loyalty come from? This love she had for me? Her love was pure and never hurtful. I never took advantage of her love, I always was afraid that someday she would be gone and her love gone with her. I wish I could turn back time and get another stare, a turning of my head, and then eye contact ending with her ears perking up and her body ready to jump up and go with me to our next adventure, even if it was just to walk into a different room.

This is so hard. Why is it so hard? Today I’m picking her up, she’s riding shotgun in my truck for the last time and going through the Taco Bell drive thru. We’re coming home together, but she won’t be at my feet begging for her part of our taco. She will be on a shelf, quiet as a mouse, and I will never again feel her eyes of love on me again.

I keep trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but I am afraid my bootstraps might be broken.

Posted on by davenportstables

Out of this World

She would have loved this warm, mud filled day.

She’s out of this world. I’m struggling a little bit today, but it’s better than yesterday. I can talk most of the time without the lump in my throat stopping my voice. I have found that when the pressure in my head gets to be too painful and tight, that I need to stop, remember her, and cry. It releases the pressure.

I had therapy yesterday and my amazing therapist spent the whole time helping me cry, talk, and realize I am not dumb for feeling this way.

I was able to call a few people this morning and talk on the phone and even laugh. There are times I catch myself smiling at a memory, and other times I am sobbing uncontrollably.

I was walking through the house that feels so empty and talking on the phone when I noticed them. A cardinal pair that visits our feeders were out there. But they seemed to be on a mission. I saw them through the kitchen window while making my coffee. Then, as I was gathering my clothes to get dressed, I saw the female at the front window, staring into the house. I had to stop and notice her. I also saw her last night, she was up at the barn in the lilac bush, so close to me that I could reach out and touch her. I do understand that many would say it’s not possible, but there is an old wives’ tale that a cardinal sighting is a visit from someone who has passed. My brain wants to deny that as a reality, but heart whispers “It’s a God thing, he is letting you know she’s okay by allowing her to send you a cardinal.”

I continued with going up to the barn for chores, my heart both heavy and light. Spring is in the air and today I would have had Lainey with me. She loves this kind of weather; the mud is a delight to her and the horse poop is finally thawed enough that she can have a good snack. It’s also a day I will be riding, and she would have been trotting along with me.

My head slowly started to build up pressure, it feels like it will explode. I turned to the sound of Mary’s bus coming in. My eyes traveled to the patio door, which I have been avoiding looking at. You see, Lainey will sit at the back door to ask me to let her out to join me. I just couldn’t look at that door! The bus made me look, and I saw a black and white muzzle. I kept blinking and thinking that my eyes were playing tricks on me. I asked Kristin if she could see it, and she said yes! But look its Bella.

I waited for Mary’s bus to leave and slowly walked to the house, my head pounding with pressure and tears starting to leak out of my eyes. Bella was standing there, her eyes never leaving my face and a gentle look of love in her eyes. I opened the door to let her out, thinking she needed to go potty. She didn’t move past me; she kept her eyes focused on my face in the same manner Lainey always did. I leaned down, and she put her muzzle up to my face, I slowly lowered my head to hers and the tears streamed down my face. I dropped to my knee and hugged her neck, never losing contact with her head. The pressure in my head eased the tears slowed down, Bella shifted, and our contact broke. She kept her eyes on my face as I asked her one again if she needed to go potty. She slowly turned and faced the door and walked back into the house. How did she know I needed a hug?

Screenshot

Riding with Mary was a bit hard, facing the house was harder, but we got though the lesson. Sassy and Nora were rockstars and followed all that Mary and I asked of them. I was able to finish my morning at the barn, but noticed it was icy up at the barn entrance.

I walked down to the house to get the ice melt, and I saw this…. Lainey in the gelding’s pasture, watching me like she always does. Head turned towards me, eyes never leaving my face. She’s In another world, but still in my heart. Thank you, dear Father, for this. For these glimpses and bringing peace to my heart when I need it.

Can you see her likeness in the dirt? It looked like she was watching over me.

I wouldn’t trade the last 17 years for anything. It has been such an honor to be loved by her, and an honor that God, my animals, and people in my life are all are taking care of my wounded heart and helping me put it back together again. Today I realized that she may not be in this physical world any longer, but she is always going to be a part of who I am and live in my heart forever.

Posted on by davenportstables · 4 Comments

Goodbye Lainey…..

Lainey, you’re gone. I keep listening for the sound of your toenails as you come skipping eagerly down the hall and John yelling, “here she comes” to warn me to make a mad dash for the front door to let you out before you pee on the floor. You were such a stinker about that these last few years, but right now I would take a puddle at the front door just to hear your happy feet as you come down the hall to greet me and the new day.

I fed the big dogs some of your food this morning, to remember you. I don’t think they noticed with how fast they gobble their meals down, but it made me feel like you were still here.

When I let Boomer in this morning, I had a flashback of the two of you running around in the back yard and chasing each other when he was a puppy. You guys had so much fun together as you showed him the ins and outs of being a farm dog.

I don’t know how to start my day without you, I keep listening for you to come down the hall, I’m waiting for you to lay next to me as I have my quiet time, and to even maybe come up and sit on my lap for a while as I blog or do my bible study. I tried to do my bible study this morning, but I couldn’t. Too many memories of you are flying through my brain and God knows my heart and how I heal. I’m so thankful He shows me how to heal through writing. So here I am, writing about you dying, a thing I have dreaded for years, and now the first day without you is here.

I will never get to hold you again, never see your shadow next to mine as I do chores, never feel your body lean against mine as I ride my horse or look down and see you next to me as I ride around the driveway. I miss you so much and you’ve only been gone 15 hours. I feel stuck, frozen, tears won’t stop leaking from my eyes and I have such a knot in my throat I can’t talk. I can’t do this, but I must.

You were such a strong little dog, I looked up your breed a couple days ago. Do you know what it said? It said a Mauzer dog (Maltese/Schnauzer) was a fragile dog. That made me laugh out loud for real. Don’t they know you? You were one of the strongest dogs I’ve ever known. You did chores with me in all kinds of weather and often insisted on coming out with me when I would try to keep you in the house. Yep, you would just dart out the door and run away from me if I tried to catch you to bring you in. You would dance away and gradually lure me towards the barn until I gave up and let you stay outside with me. How many times did I have to ask the boarders to help me trap you to catch you to take you back into the house when you saw the horse trailer hooked up? Man, you loved coming with me no matter where I went and what I was going to do. I am going to miss that most of all. Actually, I’ve been missing that part all ready. You had become timid about going for car rides unless it was in the truck for just a quick trip here and there.

There were often times while I was doing chores that I would look down at you and you would look up at me with such love in your eyes. Do you know that you were one of the very few people that I could actually feel love from. My counselor says that part of me is a bit broken and love is hard for me to feel. But you, Lainey girl, didn’t stop until I felt your love. Not only could I feel your love, but I could also see it every single time you looked at me, every single time! It never failed until lately, losing you slowly as your brain failed was so hard. There were times you looked at me and didn’t know who I was, but then I would touch you and you would come back to me. I am so grateful we let you go before the dementia took you away from us 100 percent of the time.

Opening that door yesterday to Dr. Mike and letting him into the house was the hardest thing I have ever done. Part of me was relieved to know that we were letting you leave your failing brain behind, but part of me felt like I was killing you. It is both a curse and a blessing to be able to set you free. Handing you to Danielle and allowing Dr Mike to give you that first injection was awful, but then you relaxed and fell asleep. You haven’t slept that well in weeks. It was a relief to just pet you and kiss you and feel your soft breaths as you slept in Danielle’s arms. We all felt you relax as we laid down next to you in Danielle’s lap. What would we have done without her here holding you? As Dr Mike gave you the final injection to stop your strong, wonderful, loving, stubborn, spicy heart we felt you leave. Jonny Diaz Song “Just Breathe” was playing, John was praying over you and you gently left us. All I could think was you were running again, taking deep breaths, and I pictured you finding JJ. I know you both will be waiting for me to take my last breath so we can ride off into the massive fields and mountains of heaven with you in my arms again. I know Jesus will have you there for me, because the two of you have shown me heaven on earth already. I love you baby girl. You will always have a piece of my heart. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is and bringing me such healing. Goodbye for a while, I will see you again.

I love you. I miss you and am so blessed God brought you into my life. I must have done something right to have deserved to be loved so completely by a dog like you.

Posted on by davenportstables · 1 Comment

17 Years Together and I’m so Thankful she is still here…..

I walked into the pet shop with my sister, Cheri, to see if there were any little schnauzer/poodle mix puppies for sale. We walked to the back of the store slowly and with anticipation as we approached the kennels. There were several puppies behind the glass but my eyes locked on one little black/silver puppy that was cowering in the back of her cage. I asked to hold her and as she was handed to me I noticed her fur was greasy and she had a particular odor that wasn’t very pleasant. But that didn’t matter for her eyes met mine and didn’t leave my face. As I pulled her closer to cradle her against my chest, she wrapped her front legs around me and snuggled her head against my neck. I knew she was mine. There were other puppies to see, but I couldn’t look at them. I couldn’t let her go and said I would take her. We had to leave for a short period of time to get John to make sure he was okay with me getting a puppy and as the store employee tried to take her from me she wrapped her legs tighter around my neck. It took all I had to pull her away and give her back so she could get bathed and ready for us to take her home.

She’s been by my side for 17 years, through thick and thin and no matter what kind of attitude I have, she loves me. She prances in front of and next to me when I’m doing chores, she “talks” to the horses if they get a bit rowdy, and they respect and listen to her. At night she curls into my body, keeps me warm, even during my hot flashes (lol) and snores like a freight train. She’s Lainey, my dog and my dear friend.

She’s helped me “raise” two kids and now is a guardian over our granddaughter

She’s watched Nick and Danielle grow up and now helps out with Collins. She and Collins have a nice bond, and it amazes me how gentle Collins is with her. They both will sit together on my lap to read a book or watch the cows on tv. I think Collins may be the coolest granddaughter ever, and I think Lainey agrees with me!

The three of us

When JJ was still alive, Lainey would ride him with me, go to horse shows with us, and we would teach lessons together. I loved having my two best buds with me, teaching with me, and spending the day with me. She and JJ helped me raise Sassy, we were a great team back then. JJ is gone now, and we all miss him very much. I don’t have her ride with me now with JJ gone, but she still comes out in warm weather and follows whoever I am riding. I love watching her come shooting out the door when John lets her out to see me. She runs off the deck and then stops, scans the horses, lifts up her nose to find me by my scent, and then positions herself behind the horse I am riding. She looks up at me with anticipation in her eyes, and off we go. It’s such a delightful feeling to have a dog love you that much.

My view of her while I’m riding Sassy.

She rules the roost here in the house with our other three dogs. They listen to her, honor her, and she gets to always eat first and drink first. It amazes me how a 10-pound dog can boss around dogs that weight 50-75 pounds. I do love how they are with her though. They play and chase her, lay by her when she’s not feeling well, and wait to finish her food until she walks away and “gives” them her bowl.

One of our many Taco Bell runs.

She has “hit the road” with me several times. We’ve flown to Georgia together and she fits under the seat in front of me, while resting in her little travel bag. We’ve traveled the road to Oklahoma several times and she is a great little companion that makes the road seem less lonely and hotel rooms cozy.

Lainey, I will cherish every single day I get with you and consider it a gift. I am so grateful that you have rallied, your eyes are brighter, you pranced down the hall this morning in your old usual way to find me, with your tail wagging! You’ve been playful, less shaky, and have been coming outside with me in the afternoon for a bit. I am so grateful that you are still here. Please don’t leave for a very long time. Okay? Good, now that I’ve got you to agree with me, I’m off to order you a new coat to wear, it’s a bit chilly out there and we have things to do and people to see!

Here she is at 17 years old, still wanting to be by my side. and curious about what I am eating.