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Full Circle

JJ and me, Shannon and Lucy, the four of us made a great team back in the beginning of my life with horses.

“Shannon is moving back to Minnesota!”, her mom told me while we were in the barn with our horses. My first thought was, “wouldn’t it be nice if she brings her horses here? It would be like the old days.” Shannon was my first apprentice, then the first person that ever worked with me. She was here helping me as I set up my lesson program and helped me run the boarding stable, and run the summer camps. I sold her the first foal that was born here, and helped her train him as he grew up. I blinked my eyes and she grew up, moved away, got married, had children, and now she was planning to move back. Of course I wanted her to be here, it’s a dream come true.

She was looking for a house with land so she could keep her horses at home and run her business. She is a licensed counselor and also a certified Eagala practitioner. Eagala stands for Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association. Shannon talked to me a bit about Eagala and it sure sounded interesting. I was drawn to it, and started doing my own research.

Eagala was founded in 1999 and is one of the first programs to develop standards to incorporate horses into mental health treatment programs. What really made me lean in and want to learn more about Eagala is the fact that the horses are not ridden. They are not haltered, they are free to chose to be involved in the process of mental health healing of humans, or they can chose to walk away. The amazing thing is that the horses usually chose to be involved. That, right there, is what amazes me. The horses chose to help us.

Shannon, her husband and her parents continued to search for the perfect spot for them, and they finally found it! Paperwork was signed and all they had to do was sell their home in Virginia. But alas, that fell through and they lost the horse property here. Time was of an essence so Shannon’s parents, Kim and Pete, found a home just three miles from Davenport Stables! I received a phone call from Shannon asking if I had room for her three horses. Of course I said Yes! I will never forget the first time Shannon came out as a boarder. The time fell away I looked up and saw the beginning of Davenport Stables all over again. The memories flooded me, the tears, the love, the heart ache, the learning, the smiles of all the children and adults as they learned to ride, and all the horses we took in, some we kept for the lesson programs, some we sold, and for some, unfortunately we were too late to save and they had to be put down. Having Shannon and her horses here again made my heart full that day.

Soon after she arrived, she and her husband welcomed their third child into the world. She had some downtime due to her maternity leave and we talked about the Eagala model. She explained that the team was made up of three professionals, the counselor, the horses, and the equine specialist. She told me I would make a good equine specialist and asked if I would be interested in being on her team. My first thought was absolutely yes! my second thought was, “am I too old to be starting a new career?”, and then my third and final though was, “how nice would it be to be on a team and not always be the leader?”, that third thought is what hooked me.

I read a book on Eagala, watched videos about the program. Learned that the horses know what they are doing, and found out that as the equine specialist I get to do what I love to do. Watch the horses, feel their thoughts, and tell someone what I see. It felt like I slipped into something special and comfortable as I practiced with Shannon. Several of our boarders and John, my husband, let us practice on them. I loved being in the herd, and watching them help Shannon and the clients see what they needed to see. Listening to Shannon work with our clients made me realize that she is a great counselor, I love watching her work and listening to her help other people. Having the horses be involved made me realize how much God loves us. He brings us animals to help us, they show us where balance is. God made them with the ability to help us get to balance. I can’t fathom how much God loves us to do that for us. The horses and other animals that help with the Eagala programs are truly angels sent from God.

We’re ready to say, “We are here, come and be Filled at our first clinic open to people other than our boarders.” This is a 2 day workshop focusing on realigning your energy, emptying what is not needed, and filling up on what your body, mind, and soul needs. Join us Friday September 5th from 5-7 pm and Saturday, the 6th from 9 am-12 pm. We are taking 10 participants. Please call or text Shannon at (651) 600-7928 for pricing and more information. (Yes this is an announcement, I feel like shouting it from the rooftops!)

This all feels surreal to me, what is happening, but I love it. I love that at the age of 59 I am launching a new career, I love that my new career involves horses, and that we get to help other people heal their mind and soul. I hope to make a difference and am excited to see where God leads us all in this.

Having Shannon be the person who started this process in me makes me realize life does come full circle. She helped me start up Davenport Stables, and now I am with her as she steps out into the world in this new business. I am truly blessed indeed.

And now Shannon and I are teaming up again, with a new group of horses and a new vision.

Posted on by davenportstables

Free Will

We all have it, free will, whether we realize it or not. In this stage of my life I’m not sure I really like the option of free will.

They told me when she was diagnosed with CF that they believed in her lifetime she would see a cure or something close to to a cure. How right they were! We celebrated when Tikafta came out. Gene therapy for Cystic Fibrosis!

Wait, “what’s Cystic Fibrosis?”, you ask. Well, I can tell you what every mother has memorized in both their hearts and mind if they have a child with the disease. Cystic Fibrosis is the leading genetic killer of Caucasians of European descent. It leads to sticky mucus build up in organs of the body, particularly the lungs which progresses until it ends in respiratory failure.

She moved to Tennessee, 10 years ago. Everyone that is close to me know this. They know how I struggled, the tears of frustration and worry as I watched her respiratory distress increase and she used her free will to stay in Tennessee.

Many of you complemented me on how strong I am to let her follow her dream. I didn’t let her, I had no choice! I had to let her go. Do you know that every time someone said that to me I wanted to bop them on the head and scream? She left here with 90 percent lung function. She now has 55 percent. I can’t stand it.

At his wedding I danced with him, and then let him go. He walked away on his own free will and joined with his new wife. There are times I want to call him and have him meet me at the movies, or go sort cattle, or a trail ride. He can’t now, he has his own beautiful family, but there are times I feel lost and wish I could make him 5 again. Have him hold my hand, and walk with me into a store, or play video games with me until way past his bed time. He was my little man and my friend in times of darkness. He made me laugh when his little sister was sick, he kept me in this world when some of my world would collapse. He kept things normal, when they felt so sideways. I miss my little man, and being the biggest influence in his life. I miss holding him in my lap as he falls asleep, or rocking him when he is sick, and staying up way to late playing Spiro the Dragon.

I now have a new daughter because of him. Our daughter in law is very kind and we enjoy having her in the family. She makes us laugh and also is a very good cook! We enjoy having dinner with them, and I have learned how to be a better cook through watching her and learning. I like watching her free will! She’s independent, smart, and loving.

I have a granddaughter now that I get to hold in my arms, play with, and be totally goofy with. Having a granddaughter has allowed me to be a kid all over again! It’s absolutely awesome and I cherish every moment I get to spend with her. She is such a delight and she rocks my world. Especially when she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and says “Mia!”. (she has named me Mia, and I love it). She would not be here, if he didn’t have free will.

She already is developing free will

They will soon start to see her free will develop, I don’t envy them that as she grows older and starts to fly. The little pieces that she will take back from them as she develops, they won’t see it at first, then all of a sudden they will wonder when she became so independent. She will fly, because she is amazing and they are wonderful parents. They won’t clip her wings, they will let her fly.

I cry out to God, “make her come back!” I need to care for her, I can’t live without her in this world and I see the time bomb. I see her getting weaker, I hear the pauses in her words as she speaks just so she can catch her breath. She’s losing weight because eating takes away her ability to breath. Try it, try to breath as you eat. You can’t. One time she told us breathing for her feels like breathing through a straw. I’ve tried it, it’s hard.

I talked to her last night. She is so good in her mind, and soul. I rail against God. I want her back, I want control. But! She’s happy, she’s making plans. I see her happiness and I can’t take that away. Ah, free will. I wish I could take it away from her, but I can’t. I’m starting to understand why God gave us free will, it’s a hard lesson to learn as you watch your children use theirs. You see them struggle, make decisions that might not be the best, but you also see them grow, shine, gain confidence, stumble and pick themselves up again. You see them blossom because they are free. Then they turn to you and say how they love you for giving them free will and the chance to live their lives. They come to you willingly, call you, text you, and become your friends. God wishes the same for us. To come back to him and call him, talk to him, and welcome him into our lives on our own free will.

I am learning how to enjoy my children’s free will. Last night they both called me. My heart sang, I love them and am so proud of them. But what warms my heart and settles my spirit the most is that they call me, want a relationship with me, and are my friends. And they chose to do those things of their own free will.

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Friends

Sometimes friendship comes out of nowhere. One minute you’re nervous about meeting someone new, whether it’s a new client, co-worker, friend of a friend, your potential in-laws, or a stranger you meet at an event. They come into your life at random times, but they end up being as close to you as family and some are family! We are so blessed that we can make connections with other people even though they may not be related by blood. Usually, it starts out with a common love of something, like watching your child play a sport, a brother or sister of your spouse, a hobby/way of life such as owning a horse or going to your dogs obedience class, or a neighbor you meet as your dogs play together through your fence.

It feels so random, but ends up changing your life. At first you have small talk with each other, but before you know it, they become the first person you call when you have any kind of news. They become your “people” your family, and your confidante. Aren’t we lucky that we get that chance? I am so blessed by my friends that I count as my family, and my family that I count among my friends, and I’m sure many of you are too.

Then you have the friends you don’t see for months or even years at a time. But as soon as you see them you immediately connect in such a way that it seems like you never spent any time apart. Those friends are the comfy couches in our lives. The love and companionship instantly returns and all seems well with your soul.

We are very lucky that God made us social creatures where we can have awesome families and then also supplement and complete our lives with awesome friends. I am so grateful for all of them, even the ones that are no longer in my life. We change, we move on and all of a sudden we realize we haven’t seen someone for a year or even longer. They still come to my mind with happy thoughts and great memories and there is tug in my heart as I miss them, but it’s okay. Sometimes we take a turn in the road while we are on our journey. Those are the people I remember with fondness and who knows? Maybe I will run into them again and we will pick up right where we left off.

Friends! They are priceless and I don’t know what I would do without their love and support as I walk through this life.

Posted on by davenportstables

Broken Bootstraps

Why does it still hurt this much? Today after chores I am going to pick up Lainey one last time, except she won’t be looking at me with her smiling face or asking to come over and sit in my lap or putting her feet on the armrest to look out the window. All that she will be is ashes in a box. Why isn’t this getting easier? Why can’t I sleep at night? How does a little 9 pound dog take up so much space in my heart that it feels broken?

I keep telling myself to stop! That it’s enough, but I can’t stop. As soon as my mind gets quiet, I see her face. I start to remember everything about her, all that we did together, and I feel like I can’t stop crying. At some point, won’t I run out of tears? I mean, she’s just a dog, right? But she’s not, she was my constant companion. She slept next to me; I fell asleep listening to her little snores. I woke up and was soothed by her breathing and her body snuggled up to my back. Night chores were our special time together because we had the barn to ourselves. We had a rhythm, a connection, and a shared joy of everything outside. We had a quiet friendship, and she asked nothing from me. everywhere I went, she went as well, quietly supporting me. I would see her out of the corner of my eyes, turn my head and look at her and be amazed that her eyes were on me, just waiting for me to see her. She was always checking in and she dedicated her entire life to being my dog. I often would notice that about her and wonder how did God think I deserved a dog like her? Where did this loyalty come from? This love she had for me? Her love was pure and never hurtful. I never took advantage of her love, I always was afraid that someday she would be gone and her love gone with her. I wish I could turn back time and get another stare, a turning of my head, and then eye contact ending with her ears perking up and her body ready to jump up and go with me to our next adventure, even if it was just to walk into a different room.

This is so hard. Why is it so hard? Today I’m picking her up, she’s riding shotgun in my truck for the last time and going through the Taco Bell drive thru. We’re coming home together, but she won’t be at my feet begging for her part of our taco. She will be on a shelf, quiet as a mouse, and I will never again feel her eyes of love on me again.

I keep trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but I am afraid my bootstraps might be broken.

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Goodbye Lainey…..

Lainey, you’re gone. I keep listening for the sound of your toenails as you come skipping eagerly down the hall and John yelling, “here she comes” to warn me to make a mad dash for the front door to let you out before you pee on the floor. You were such a stinker about that these last few years, but right now I would take a puddle at the front door just to hear your happy feet as you come down the hall to greet me and the new day.

I fed the big dogs some of your food this morning, to remember you. I don’t think they noticed with how fast they gobble their meals down, but it made me feel like you were still here.

When I let Boomer in this morning, I had a flashback of the two of you running around in the back yard and chasing each other when he was a puppy. You guys had so much fun together as you showed him the ins and outs of being a farm dog.

I don’t know how to start my day without you, I keep listening for you to come down the hall, I’m waiting for you to lay next to me as I have my quiet time, and to even maybe come up and sit on my lap for a while as I blog or do my bible study. I tried to do my bible study this morning, but I couldn’t. Too many memories of you are flying through my brain and God knows my heart and how I heal. I’m so thankful He shows me how to heal through writing. So here I am, writing about you dying, a thing I have dreaded for years, and now the first day without you is here.

I will never get to hold you again, never see your shadow next to mine as I do chores, never feel your body lean against mine as I ride my horse or look down and see you next to me as I ride around the driveway. I miss you so much and you’ve only been gone 15 hours. I feel stuck, frozen, tears won’t stop leaking from my eyes and I have such a knot in my throat I can’t talk. I can’t do this, but I must.

You were such a strong little dog, I looked up your breed a couple days ago. Do you know what it said? It said a Mauzer dog (Maltese/Schnauzer) was a fragile dog. That made me laugh out loud for real. Don’t they know you? You were one of the strongest dogs I’ve ever known. You did chores with me in all kinds of weather and often insisted on coming out with me when I would try to keep you in the house. Yep, you would just dart out the door and run away from me if I tried to catch you to bring you in. You would dance away and gradually lure me towards the barn until I gave up and let you stay outside with me. How many times did I have to ask the boarders to help me trap you to catch you to take you back into the house when you saw the horse trailer hooked up? Man, you loved coming with me no matter where I went and what I was going to do. I am going to miss that most of all. Actually, I’ve been missing that part all ready. You had become timid about going for car rides unless it was in the truck for just a quick trip here and there.

There were often times while I was doing chores that I would look down at you and you would look up at me with such love in your eyes. Do you know that you were one of the very few people that I could actually feel love from. My counselor says that part of me is a bit broken and love is hard for me to feel. But you, Lainey girl, didn’t stop until I felt your love. Not only could I feel your love, but I could also see it every single time you looked at me, every single time! It never failed until lately, losing you slowly as your brain failed was so hard. There were times you looked at me and didn’t know who I was, but then I would touch you and you would come back to me. I am so grateful we let you go before the dementia took you away from us 100 percent of the time.

Opening that door yesterday to Dr. Mike and letting him into the house was the hardest thing I have ever done. Part of me was relieved to know that we were letting you leave your failing brain behind, but part of me felt like I was killing you. It is both a curse and a blessing to be able to set you free. Handing you to Danielle and allowing Dr Mike to give you that first injection was awful, but then you relaxed and fell asleep. You haven’t slept that well in weeks. It was a relief to just pet you and kiss you and feel your soft breaths as you slept in Danielle’s arms. We all felt you relax as we laid down next to you in Danielle’s lap. What would we have done without her here holding you? As Dr Mike gave you the final injection to stop your strong, wonderful, loving, stubborn, spicy heart we felt you leave. Jonny Diaz Song “Just Breathe” was playing, John was praying over you and you gently left us. All I could think was you were running again, taking deep breaths, and I pictured you finding JJ. I know you both will be waiting for me to take my last breath so we can ride off into the massive fields and mountains of heaven with you in my arms again. I know Jesus will have you there for me, because the two of you have shown me heaven on earth already. I love you baby girl. You will always have a piece of my heart. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is and bringing me such healing. Goodbye for a while, I will see you again.

I love you. I miss you and am so blessed God brought you into my life. I must have done something right to have deserved to be loved so completely by a dog like you.