Posted on by davenportstables

Free Will

We all have it, free will, whether we realize it or not. In this stage of my life I’m not sure I really like the option of free will.

They told me when she was diagnosed with CF that they believed in her lifetime she would see a cure or something close to to a cure. How right they were! We celebrated when Tikafta came out. Gene therapy for Cystic Fibrosis!

Wait, “what’s Cystic Fibrosis?”, you ask. Well, I can tell you what every mother has memorized in both their hearts and mind if they have a child with the disease. Cystic Fibrosis is the leading genetic killer of Caucasians of European descent. It leads to sticky mucus build up in organs of the body, particularly the lungs which progresses until it ends in respiratory failure.

She moved to Tennessee, 10 years ago. Everyone that is close to me know this. They know how I struggled, the tears of frustration and worry as I watched her respiratory distress increase and she used her free will to stay in Tennessee.

Many of you complemented me on how strong I am to let her follow her dream. I didn’t let her, I had no choice! I had to let her go. Do you know that every time someone said that to me I wanted to bop them on the head and scream? She left here with 90 percent lung function. She now has 55 percent. I can’t stand it.

At his wedding I danced with him, and then let him go. He walked away on his own free will and joined with his new wife. There are times I want to call him and have him meet me at the movies, or go sort cattle, or a trail ride. He can’t now, he has his own beautiful family, but there are times I feel lost and wish I could make him 5 again. Have him hold my hand, and walk with me into a store, or play video games with me until way past his bed time. He was my little man and my friend in times of darkness. He made me laugh when his little sister was sick, he kept me in this world when some of my world would collapse. He kept things normal, when they felt so sideways. I miss my little man, and being the biggest influence in his life. I miss holding him in my lap as he falls asleep, or rocking him when he is sick, and staying up way to late playing Spiro the Dragon.

I now have a new daughter because of him. Our daughter in law is very kind and we enjoy having her in the family. She makes us laugh and also is a very good cook! We enjoy having dinner with them, and I have learned how to be a better cook through watching her and learning. I like watching her free will! She’s independent, smart, and loving.

I have a granddaughter now that I get to hold in my arms, play with, and be totally goofy with. Having a granddaughter has allowed me to be a kid all over again! It’s absolutely awesome and I cherish every moment I get to spend with her. She is such a delight and she rocks my world. Especially when she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and says “Mia!”. (she has named me Mia, and I love it). She would not be here, if he didn’t have free will.

She already is developing free will

They will soon start to see her free will develop, I don’t envy them that as she grows older and starts to fly. The little pieces that she will take back from them as she develops, they won’t see it at first, then all of a sudden they will wonder when she became so independent. She will fly, because she is amazing and they are wonderful parents. They won’t clip her wings, they will let her fly.

I cry out to God, “make her come back!” I need to care for her, I can’t live without her in this world and I see the time bomb. I see her getting weaker, I hear the pauses in her words as she speaks just so she can catch her breath. She’s losing weight because eating takes away her ability to breath. Try it, try to breath as you eat. You can’t. One time she told us breathing for her feels like breathing through a straw. I’ve tried it, it’s hard.

I talked to her last night. She is so good in her mind, and soul. I rail against God. I want her back, I want control. But! She’s happy, she’s making plans. I see her happiness and I can’t take that away. Ah, free will. I wish I could take it away from her, but I can’t. I’m starting to understand why God gave us free will, it’s a hard lesson to learn as you watch your children use theirs. You see them struggle, make decisions that might not be the best, but you also see them grow, shine, gain confidence, stumble and pick themselves up again. You see them blossom because they are free. Then they turn to you and say how they love you for giving them free will and the chance to live their lives. They come to you willingly, call you, text you, and become your friends. God wishes the same for us. To come back to him and call him, talk to him, and welcome him into our lives on our own free will.

I am learning how to enjoy my children’s free will. Last night they both called me. My heart sang, I love them and am so proud of them. But what warms my heart and settles my spirit the most is that they call me, want a relationship with me, and are my friends. And they chose to do those things of their own free will.

Posted on by davenportstables · 1 Comment

A New Mind, a Joyful Life

A new day, a clean slate.

This morning I wanted to go out to the picnic table by the barn to do my bible study, but a quick check of the temperature outside made me turn around and come back to the house. Life is like that isn’t it? We have an idea, but have to change plans because of circumstances beyond our control. How we react to the change pretty much sets up our day and our lives.

I used to have trouble with changes like that. I would get frustrated, or depressed and either feel angry or shut down and feel exhausted to the point that each footstep I took throughout the day was a struggle, it felt like I was walking in mud. Talking was hard, smiling was impossible, and my attitude was negative.

I’ve been working on it, I really have. Last weekend I even went to a conference called “Battlefield of the Mind”. What I have learned over the past two years have been a game changer, and after much contemplation I have decided to share a bit of what I have learned.

“You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind”. It’s a quote from Joyce Meyer. The first time I heard her say it, I was rocked back on my heels. She’s right, if I think negative thoughts about myself, my situation, and others, how can I live a positive life? How can I live a happy life? How can I have joy deep in my heart? Even though I am a Christian, I sure didn’t feel like I had the joy of Jesus in my soul and I didn’t realize that I could change it all just by changing the thoughts in my mind.

“What? Change the thoughts in my mind? How?”. Yep, that was my first thought. Then my second thought was “It’s too hard!”.

We are wired that way, you know. We are wired to allow negative thoughts to prevail in our minds and hearts. If we do something and 99 people tell us we were amazing and just 1 person tells us they didn’t like it. We typically throw out the 99 positive responses and take in the 1 negative response. Not only do we take the negative response, we mull over it, we meditate over it and often, I would let that one negative thought turn me into someone who didn’t want to try ever again. I would give up, freeze, and go take a nap.

As time went on, the freezing and exhaustion deep in my soul got worse. I lived each day waiting to take a nap. I would come in from chores, hurry and eat lunch, find Lainey and curl up in bed with her until it was time for night chores. I was always exhausted, I had flashes of happiness, but would feel the exhaustion creeping in and would shut down.

Those closest to me, would see it. The sudden change would confuse them and I’m sure they wondered what was wrong with me. There were times they would ask me if I was sick. Sometimes I would say I was under the weather, and other times I would grab my bootstraps and pull myself up again until I got home, where I would either seek out Lainey and take a nap, or sit still on the couch either knitting or playing games on my phone. The tasks I needed to do started piling up, and I would feel lazy and like a failure. The more I sat and ignored living life, the worse I felt. I started to wish I could just make myself so small that I would just disappear. Poof, leave, I wasn’t contributing to this life, this world, and in my head I thought no one would miss me, maybe even be relived I was gone. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to disappear. The crazy thing is that I couldn’t figure out where to go. Who would take in someone like that? It’s so goofy and the more I shut out joy and living life, the tighter the circle of negative thoughts became, it felt like I was spinning, and about to go down the drain.

Slowly I have started to crawl out of the spin. It’s hard because that drain pulls hard and the darkness and isolation can be soothing. It’s hard to change your thought pattern, it’s hard to admit you’re a mess and it’s really scary to look for help. But, I have become a Grandma, a Godmother, and a Mother-In-Law in the past three years. I don’t want them to know me like this, I wasn’t always like this and I wanted to find the old Cheryl and bring her back.

My first step was to find a counselor, I wanted a Christian counselor because I know God is The Healer. He created me and he can fix me. Making that first phone call to set up counseling is hard. So many thought ran through my head, “Counseling? Wow, you’re weak, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, if you’re really a Christian, just pray about it, what will people think, you’re just lazy, you’re stupid, no-one can help you”. The list of negative thoughts went on and on and I probably would run out of paper if I tried to list them all. It’s amazing how many negative thoughts I had about myself, and how quickly they looped over and over again in my mind.

I did find a counselor, and she is amazing. She has helped me see that I am not a mistake, that God loved me first, that others struggle as I do, and has given me both bible verses to help me, and skills to overcome negative thoughts. She also prays for me before every session.

My second step was to study the bible. I found Joyce Meyer and she pointed me to bible scriptures to help me heal my mind. In fact she wrote a book “Battlefield of the Mind”, which I am reading now. Even if you’re not a believer of God, she can help you heal your mind. She has taught me how to grab negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts through bible verses and her life experiences. She’s given me the knowledge of how to overcome the intense dislike that I had for myself and the negative thoughts I had all the time.

My third step, help other people when I can. Isn’t that amazing! As soon as I started paying attention to other people, and spending time with them I found negative thoughts being replaced by positive ones. I also was able to think and pray about their problems and found mine disappearing or getting easier to handle. I love it. Now, when people come to the barn, I don’t sneak back to the house and hide. I stay, I say “here I am”, and I talk to them. We share stories, we share friendship, and we share the love of our horses with each other.

I’m still a work in progress and I’m sure there will be more steps to take. Losing Lainey was a huge hit to my recovery of a joy filled life. I’m coming around though. I loved her so much, and still feel her loss every day. Lainey wasn’t just my dog, she was a part of me and it feels like I have a hole in my soul right now. I don’t think it will ever go away, but I hope someday I can get another little dog that can help me form a scab over the hole. My hope is that she will help me grow a bigger heart for her so she take up space in it. (Yes, in my mind my next dog will be a her).

Sassy, she calls me to her and we find quiet moments like this.

I have started to love being with the horses again. I love riding and hanging out with Sassy. She’s the one that has called to me, and any day I am not with her makes me anxious to meet up with her the next day. I haven’t felt like this in years! My anticipation to spend time with her makes me feel like a little girl again that is in love with horses.

I feel more now, my positive emotions are returning. The anticipation of spring, the love pounding in my heart for other people and for nature. I look out the window and see the beauty that my Father in heaven created for us all to enjoy and it is good.

I still have hard days. The “I want to disappear days”, but you know what? They are shorter, sometimes they last only a moment, sometimes they do take up an entire day. I rest on those long days and have learned to give myself grace, I grab my knitting, my bible, listen to an uplifting podcast, or yes, still lay down and take a nap with my new pillow snuggled up against me.

My new pillow

Life has become a journey, a hard one at times and a wonderful one at times. What I have discovered is that you still can have joy deep in your heart even when you are circling the drain. I know you can, because I am doing it. Life is a battlefield in our mind, and we just have to find ways to fight the good fight and give ourselves grace when it’s needed. We are all worthy, we are all loved, and all of us have a purpose!

Posted on by davenportstables · 4 Comments

Goodbye Lainey…..

Lainey, you’re gone. I keep listening for the sound of your toenails as you come skipping eagerly down the hall and John yelling, “here she comes” to warn me to make a mad dash for the front door to let you out before you pee on the floor. You were such a stinker about that these last few years, but right now I would take a puddle at the front door just to hear your happy feet as you come down the hall to greet me and the new day.

I fed the big dogs some of your food this morning, to remember you. I don’t think they noticed with how fast they gobble their meals down, but it made me feel like you were still here.

When I let Boomer in this morning, I had a flashback of the two of you running around in the back yard and chasing each other when he was a puppy. You guys had so much fun together as you showed him the ins and outs of being a farm dog.

I don’t know how to start my day without you, I keep listening for you to come down the hall, I’m waiting for you to lay next to me as I have my quiet time, and to even maybe come up and sit on my lap for a while as I blog or do my bible study. I tried to do my bible study this morning, but I couldn’t. Too many memories of you are flying through my brain and God knows my heart and how I heal. I’m so thankful He shows me how to heal through writing. So here I am, writing about you dying, a thing I have dreaded for years, and now the first day without you is here.

I will never get to hold you again, never see your shadow next to mine as I do chores, never feel your body lean against mine as I ride my horse or look down and see you next to me as I ride around the driveway. I miss you so much and you’ve only been gone 15 hours. I feel stuck, frozen, tears won’t stop leaking from my eyes and I have such a knot in my throat I can’t talk. I can’t do this, but I must.

You were such a strong little dog, I looked up your breed a couple days ago. Do you know what it said? It said a Mauzer dog (Maltese/Schnauzer) was a fragile dog. That made me laugh out loud for real. Don’t they know you? You were one of the strongest dogs I’ve ever known. You did chores with me in all kinds of weather and often insisted on coming out with me when I would try to keep you in the house. Yep, you would just dart out the door and run away from me if I tried to catch you to bring you in. You would dance away and gradually lure me towards the barn until I gave up and let you stay outside with me. How many times did I have to ask the boarders to help me trap you to catch you to take you back into the house when you saw the horse trailer hooked up? Man, you loved coming with me no matter where I went and what I was going to do. I am going to miss that most of all. Actually, I’ve been missing that part all ready. You had become timid about going for car rides unless it was in the truck for just a quick trip here and there.

There were often times while I was doing chores that I would look down at you and you would look up at me with such love in your eyes. Do you know that you were one of the very few people that I could actually feel love from. My counselor says that part of me is a bit broken and love is hard for me to feel. But you, Lainey girl, didn’t stop until I felt your love. Not only could I feel your love, but I could also see it every single time you looked at me, every single time! It never failed until lately, losing you slowly as your brain failed was so hard. There were times you looked at me and didn’t know who I was, but then I would touch you and you would come back to me. I am so grateful we let you go before the dementia took you away from us 100 percent of the time.

Opening that door yesterday to Dr. Mike and letting him into the house was the hardest thing I have ever done. Part of me was relieved to know that we were letting you leave your failing brain behind, but part of me felt like I was killing you. It is both a curse and a blessing to be able to set you free. Handing you to Danielle and allowing Dr Mike to give you that first injection was awful, but then you relaxed and fell asleep. You haven’t slept that well in weeks. It was a relief to just pet you and kiss you and feel your soft breaths as you slept in Danielle’s arms. We all felt you relax as we laid down next to you in Danielle’s lap. What would we have done without her here holding you? As Dr Mike gave you the final injection to stop your strong, wonderful, loving, stubborn, spicy heart we felt you leave. Jonny Diaz Song “Just Breathe” was playing, John was praying over you and you gently left us. All I could think was you were running again, taking deep breaths, and I pictured you finding JJ. I know you both will be waiting for me to take my last breath so we can ride off into the massive fields and mountains of heaven with you in my arms again. I know Jesus will have you there for me, because the two of you have shown me heaven on earth already. I love you baby girl. You will always have a piece of my heart. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is and bringing me such healing. Goodbye for a while, I will see you again.

I love you. I miss you and am so blessed God brought you into my life. I must have done something right to have deserved to be loved so completely by a dog like you.