Today I really missed him, I could feel his energy around me, hear his nicker on the wind. Sometimes missing him comes over me and I find myself feeling him walking behind me and asking me what we’re doing today. A horse like JJ leaves his mark forever in your heart. He was my buddy my counselor, my teacher and my friend. When I slipped onto his saddle back then, I was home.

I haven’t written about JJ because the words just wouldn’t come. I mean, how do you talk about a horse that walked you through so many changes? How do you talk about a horse that you thought you saved, but really saved you instead?

I got the phone call on a cold December day from my friend Tom. He asked me if I wanted a project horse, a skinny arab gelding that looked pretty bad. In fact, he wasn’t sure if he would make the trailer ride over. When he got here with JJ, I saw a skinny bay horse that every rib could be counted. I bet you could have given a horse anatomy lesson and use him as an example of a horse’s skeleton. But it was his eyes that got me, they were quiet and internal until he looked at me. His head turned, his ear pricked up at me and he leaned closer. At that moment I was hooked and knew he would stay with me as long as it took for him to heal.

We put two blankets on him, started him on Senior feed and let him eat his way back. I rarely took off his blanket that first winter. I didn’t like seeing what he looked like underneath. His eyes had become lively, he had a proud headset, and a beautiful long mane. It was easy to believe he was fat and sassy until you took that blanket off, then you saw the ribs, the patchy coat and the ravages of starvation.

In the spring he had gained enough weight that I felt I could try to ride him. I took him to the round pen to evaluate him so eventually I could use him in the lesson program or sell him. Thats what I did back then, lessons were my priority after a horse I took in was on their way back to health or selling them to a new home that I thought would be a better fit for who they were. The buying, rehabbing, retraining and using them for lesson was easy for me, the selling, not so much. I wasn’t very good at the selling part…… unless one of my boarders bought them. Many of my boarders own the horses we took in back then.

As I slid on his back, my friend, Kim, came out and asked me what I thought. I told her that he needed some work. I rode him around the round pen, he neck reined nice and picked up the walk, trot, and canter easily, and had a decent stop. I thought he might make a nice lesson horse, but little did I know that I was evaluating my heart horse, my best friend, my mentor, my teacher, MY Horse. I can’t believe in that moment I didn’t know who he really was, how blind I was to who he was. If I could have had a soul partner in a horse, it was him.

I started riding him as my demo horse, the horse I taught from and who showed my students what to do. We started trail riding together. I didn’t really have a personal horse back then. I just rode whoever needed it, but I found myself choosing him, being uncomfortable with my students riding him and unsettled if anyone ever said anything negative about him while taking lessons. Special note here: students get frustrated when they’re learning and often speak negatively about the horse they are riding. As instructors we try to take that in stride, but it can be really hard, especially, if the horse is mine and I know it’s operator error, and how the horse is really taking care of the student and trying to help me teach. I would often get pretty angry if anyone would complain about JJ, so I pulled him from the lesson program, and he became my personal horse in everything I did.

JJ and I loved trail riding together, in fact he loved it so much he would argue a bit with me when it was time to go back to the trailer. He was a leader, he always wanted to be in front, and there were times we disagreed about it, and I tried to change that in him and make him ride in the back, but he made it so uncomfortable for me that I finally gave in and accepted that was who he was. He loved the freedom of the front, the ability to see, to take off in an instant, to protect the others, and spin like a top if a deer crossed our path. My JJ, he could spin on a dime! He was fun, he helped me rescue other riders when they came off their horses, we carried a few people back to camp together. He loved camping, I loved camping with him. He never ever let me down out there.

We also gamed together. We chose Omoksee as our preferred gaming club. He loved chasing down the other horses in the races, I loved riding him. When he would see a pole, a barrel, a jump, in our lane as we approached, he would slightly slow his stride as if to ask me what action to take. I could just see the pattern in my head, and he would do it, we rarely if ever knocked, he always was with me, he knew my thoughts, and my plans to the point I had no conscious thought, just the feel of the pattern, my horse and our oneness. Gaming will never be the same for me again. I’ve tried, it’s different now, Sassy doesn’t like it and Buzz doesn’t have that absolute and total trust and connection with me that JJ had. Maybe I don’t do the pattern work enough with them, maybe the desire is gone, or maybe it’s because no horse can be JJ?

We tried jumping for a hot minute. Yes, I often chuckle when I imagine JJ’s thoughts as I brought out my little jumping saddle. I can hear him saying, now what? A new Saddle? OK, we can give it a try. And try he did! We even attended an eventing clinic when he was 25 and I had a torn ACL. I’m sure we were a sight to behold, me with my brace and him with his sway back. We did have fun that day, and then I hung up that saddle and never used it again with him. It was fun to try, but gaming and trail riding was our thing, and we went back to that.

I took him to his last horse show when he was 27 and he took high point that day in our class. I remember people asking me about him, and being impressed, until I took his saddle off, then they would do a double take and ask me how old he was. I guess everyone but the two of us were concerned about his back being swayed. He never, ever let that bother him, and frankly it never bothered me either.

My last trail ride with him was up at Crow Hassen, when he was 32. We had a beautiful fall ride with several of our dearest friends and he left his body less than a year later on August 16, 2015. My friends that were with us on our last trail ride are still here, but some of our horses are gone. I miss them, we miss them, and today I was finally able to write a little about my JJ.

Today I rode Buzz and used JJ’s saddle, his bridle, and his halter. It’s the first time I’ve sat in his saddle since he left. As I settled down onto Buzz’s back, it almost felt like home, but not quite, it was more like being next door. I don’t think I can do it again, ride in that saddle. Buzz is not JJ, and I shouldn’t expect him to be. But today it was nice to almost be home again.

**The 1st, 3rd, and 7th pictures above were taken by Shelley Paulson. She and JJ were friends and I want to make sure she gets credit for the amazing photos (memories) she gave me.