Well, here it goes. It’s been hard to be positive lately. I don’t know if you all ever struggle with sadness, or hopelessness, or that if you would disappear, no one will even notice, but I sure do. I don’t think I have a hard life; I don’t mean that at all, but there are times when it seems like I’m walking through mud, each footstep is hard, and there is a little voice in my head (sometimes it’s a very big voice) that says, “Why? Why do you do it every single day? Is it really worth it? The same thing, day in and day out….” I hate that voice, it’s the voice that tries to tell me that life here on earth has no point, I mean really, do I even make a difference? I feed horses every day, I clean up after them, I do a little bit of training, and a smattering of lessons here and there. The winter is coming, I hate the winter, the dark and dreary days, the cold that hurts in such a way there is no escape. If I have to take off a glove, my fingers curl into a ball and it’s painful to find the screw I just dropped but need to finish fixing something or another. Winter in Minnesota can be brutal for those of us that work outside.

But…… the sun does come out, it’s stunning on the snow, the glitter takes my breath away and it never seems to feel dark even on the darkest night there is a glimmer of light in the snow and the sunsets are absolutely amazing.

The smell of coffee, the warmth of hot chocolate, or a shot of bourbon can make the cold fall away. The bathtub is filled with hot water, and I can soak my coldness away while sipping a glass of wine and reading a good book.

My friends call, we start knitting together, my body slows down, I take naps when I can and the winter starts to become my friend, it’s a time of slowing down, no pressure for lessons, for training, or anything other than caring for the horses. They let me into their herd, they let me feel their warmth. Their heartbeats settle my panicking heart, their slow breathing makes me take a deep breath. I feel God in that moment, I look up into the cloudless night sky and the stars twinkle down at me and I wonder if the stars that looked over Jesus are looking over me. I feel Jesus in my herd, his leadership and that way he will leave the 99 to come looking for the lost one. I am that lost one. I need Him to hold me in the dark days of winter, and he does. Sometimes it feels hard to find Him, and the challenge for me is to keep it up until I do, because when I do finally find Him, I realize He was the on looking for me.