Lainey, you’re gone. I keep listening for the sound of your toenails as you come skipping eagerly down the hall and John yelling, “here she comes” to warn me to make a mad dash for the front door to let you out before you pee on the floor. You were such a stinker about that these last few years, but right now I would take a puddle at the front door just to hear your happy feet as you come down the hall to greet me and the new day.

I fed the big dogs some of your food this morning, to remember you. I don’t think they noticed with how fast they gobble their meals down, but it made me feel like you were still here.

When I let Boomer in this morning, I had a flashback of the two of you running around in the back yard and chasing each other when he was a puppy. You guys had so much fun together as you showed him the ins and outs of being a farm dog.

I don’t know how to start my day without you, I keep listening for you to come down the hall, I’m waiting for you to lay next to me as I have my quiet time, and to even maybe come up and sit on my lap for a while as I blog or do my bible study. I tried to do my bible study this morning, but I couldn’t. Too many memories of you are flying through my brain and God knows my heart and how I heal. I’m so thankful He shows me how to heal through writing. So here I am, writing about you dying, a thing I have dreaded for years, and now the first day without you is here.

I will never get to hold you again, never see your shadow next to mine as I do chores, never feel your body lean against mine as I ride my horse or look down and see you next to me as I ride around the driveway. I miss you so much and you’ve only been gone 15 hours. I feel stuck, frozen, tears won’t stop leaking from my eyes and I have such a knot in my throat I can’t talk. I can’t do this, but I must.

You were such a strong little dog, I looked up your breed a couple days ago. Do you know what it said? It said a Mauzer dog (Maltese/Schnauzer) was a fragile dog. That made me laugh out loud for real. Don’t they know you? You were one of the strongest dogs I’ve ever known. You did chores with me in all kinds of weather and often insisted on coming out with me when I would try to keep you in the house. Yep, you would just dart out the door and run away from me if I tried to catch you to bring you in. You would dance away and gradually lure me towards the barn until I gave up and let you stay outside with me. How many times did I have to ask the boarders to help me trap you to catch you to take you back into the house when you saw the horse trailer hooked up? Man, you loved coming with me no matter where I went and what I was going to do. I am going to miss that most of all. Actually, I’ve been missing that part all ready. You had become timid about going for car rides unless it was in the truck for just a quick trip here and there.

There were often times while I was doing chores that I would look down at you and you would look up at me with such love in your eyes. Do you know that you were one of the very few people that I could actually feel love from. My counselor says that part of me is a bit broken and love is hard for me to feel. But you, Lainey girl, didn’t stop until I felt your love. Not only could I feel your love, but I could also see it every single time you looked at me, every single time! It never failed until lately, losing you slowly as your brain failed was so hard. There were times you looked at me and didn’t know who I was, but then I would touch you and you would come back to me. I am so grateful we let you go before the dementia took you away from us 100 percent of the time.

Opening that door yesterday to Dr. Mike and letting him into the house was the hardest thing I have ever done. Part of me was relieved to know that we were letting you leave your failing brain behind, but part of me felt like I was killing you. It is both a curse and a blessing to be able to set you free. Handing you to Danielle and allowing Dr Mike to give you that first injection was awful, but then you relaxed and fell asleep. You haven’t slept that well in weeks. It was a relief to just pet you and kiss you and feel your soft breaths as you slept in Danielle’s arms. We all felt you relax as we laid down next to you in Danielle’s lap. What would we have done without her here holding you? As Dr Mike gave you the final injection to stop your strong, wonderful, loving, stubborn, spicy heart we felt you leave. Jonny Diaz Song “Just Breathe” was playing, John was praying over you and you gently left us. All I could think was you were running again, taking deep breaths, and I pictured you finding JJ. I know you both will be waiting for me to take my last breath so we can ride off into the massive fields and mountains of heaven with you in my arms again. I know Jesus will have you there for me, because the two of you have shown me heaven on earth already. I love you baby girl. You will always have a piece of my heart. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is and bringing me such healing. Goodbye for a while, I will see you again.

I love you. I miss you and am so blessed God brought you into my life. I must have done something right to have deserved to be loved so completely by a dog like you.