I woke up today missing my dog. I miss her quiet presence, her loyalty, her eyes looking up at me and her companionship. I miss how she needed me, the way she read my mind, and the ease of knowing each other so well that we moved around as one. I miss her excitement to ride in the truck with me, our trips to Taco Bell, and the way we explored the world together.

I do have a new dog, but it’s been hard. She doesn’t trust easily, she only allows me to touch her when she doesn’t feel threatened at all, which is only when I am sitting still. If I move she jumps up and either runs away, or waits and follows me wherever I go, if I bend down to pet her she scoots away in fear, putting on her leash or collar takes a lot of patience and time. If I start my truck and come back into the house, she runs away since she doesn’t like to go to new places. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I just want her to feel safe, to want to go on adventures with me and to heal.

She has bonded with me, and follows me from room to room, often so close that I feel her nose bump into the back of my leg. But if I reach down to touch her, she scoots away. She helps me with chores, and follows me, stays with me as long as I don’t try to touch her. When she needs help I have to sit by and watch as she pulls burrs and stickers from her feet and coat. It’s hard not to be able to help her.

I signed up for a dog training class, we had our first session yesterday without dogs. Our instructor, Tiffany, talked to us about expectations, training, and the basics. I am excited to see what can happen, the way she wants to train with us touches my heart, I feel hopeful that we can help Shiloh, and this morning I ordered the new collar and supplies I will need, and I am excited.

Shiloh looks like Lainey, and I think that it was a mistake to get a dog that looks so much like her. There are times I look at her and my brain glitches and I think its Lainey looking up at me. Then I realize it’s not her and the grief hits me. Oh Shiloh, I don’t want you to think your not worthy and second best. I hope I am going to love you enough.

But, I still miss Lainey, my friend, my companion and my dog.