I’ve been home from my mission trip to Guatemala for two weeks. Its been a hard transition back to the US. Honestly, I have felt lost, like a little boat in a big empty ocean. As I was journaling today I realized the reason its been hard. I was in a cocoon there in Guatemala. I was nestled within a team of people that had one goal, and that was to serve God, and through Him serve other people and each other.
We turned to God several times a day in prayer, we lifted each other up when lifting was necessary. No harsh words were spoken, no judgement of each other. We tried new things, we re-grouped and turned to God when our plans were thwarted.
We lived with each other in one big house, we ate together, sat around the table and talked, did a lot of laughing, and yes, some crying as we shared our stories to each other. Physically we worked hard, we served the villages we went to by providing health care, optometry care, and dentistry care. We all watched each other work and admired the talent each person possessed for the duty they were called for.
I miss being in Guatemala, I miss the lovely people we met out in the villages, I miss the fresh and amazing food, the beautiful mountains and scenery, but most of all I miss the mission team I was on, and being in the cocoon of love and acceptance they all built.
Today I am realizing that its time to emerge from my cocoon, be the new person God wants me to be and lean on him to find my purpose again and who he wants me to serve. I can only do that through Him. Its time for me to quit looking to others for strength and find my own. I pray God gives me eyes to see, ears to hear, a mouth that is quiet, and a heart to serve.
I want to go back, no wait! I will go back for another trip, but for now I will work on getting stronger, more compassionate, and try to not crawl back into a cocoon. Its time to fly and see the people in my life who need me and not be afraid to lean on them when I need to.
Life can be messy, but underneath life is good! Jesus did not come into this world to judge us, he came so that we could live a life filled with his joy and then after death get to live forever. And when I get to heaven I will find my new “Hermana en Christo” and we will talk and talk without having to rely on an interpreter. Oh, how fun that will be!
We all have it, free will, whether we realize it or not. In this stage of my life I’m not sure I really like the option of free will.
They told me when she was diagnosed with CF that they believed in her lifetime she would see a cure or something close to to a cure. How right they were! We celebrated when Tikafta came out. Gene therapy for Cystic Fibrosis!
Wait, “what’s Cystic Fibrosis?”, you ask. Well, I can tell you what every mother has memorized in both their hearts and mind if they have a child with the disease. Cystic Fibrosis is the leading genetic killer of Caucasians of European descent. It leads to sticky mucus build up in organs of the body, particularly the lungs which progresses until it ends in respiratory failure.
She moved to Tennessee, 10 years ago. Everyone that is close to me know this. They know how I struggled, the tears of frustration and worry as I watched her respiratory distress increase and she used her free will to stay in Tennessee.
Many of you complemented me on how strong I am to let her follow her dream. I didn’t let her, I had no choice! I had to let her go. Do you know that every time someone said that to me I wanted to bop them on the head and scream? She left here with 90 percent lung function. She now has 55 percent. I can’t stand it.
At his wedding I danced with him, and then let him go. He walked away on his own free will and joined with his new wife. There are times I want to call him and have him meet me at the movies, or go sort cattle, or a trail ride. He can’t now, he has his own beautiful family, but there are times I feel lost and wish I could make him 5 again. Have him hold my hand, and walk with me into a store, or play video games with me until way past his bed time. He was my little man and my friend in times of darkness. He made me laugh when his little sister was sick, he kept me in this world when some of my world would collapse. He kept things normal, when they felt so sideways. I miss my little man, and being the biggest influence in his life. I miss holding him in my lap as he falls asleep, or rocking him when he is sick, and staying up way to late playing Spiro the Dragon.
I now have a new daughter because of him. Our daughter in law is very kind and we enjoy having her in the family. She makes us laugh and also is a very good cook! We enjoy having dinner with them, and I have learned how to be a better cook through watching her and learning. I like watching her free will! She’s independent, smart, and loving.
I have a granddaughter now that I get to hold in my arms, play with, and be totally goofy with. Having a granddaughter has allowed me to be a kid all over again! It’s absolutely awesome and I cherish every moment I get to spend with her. She is such a delight and she rocks my world. Especially when she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and says “Mia!”. (she has named me Mia, and I love it). She would not be here, if he didn’t have free will.
She already is developing free will
They will soon start to see her free will develop, I don’t envy them that as she grows older and starts to fly. The little pieces that she will take back from them as she develops, they won’t see it at first, then all of a sudden they will wonder when she became so independent. She will fly, because she is amazing and they are wonderful parents. They won’t clip her wings, they will let her fly.
I cry out to God, “make her come back!” I need to care for her, I can’t live without her in this world and I see the time bomb. I see her getting weaker, I hear the pauses in her words as she speaks just so she can catch her breath. She’s losing weight because eating takes away her ability to breath. Try it, try to breath as you eat. You can’t. One time she told us breathing for her feels like breathing through a straw. I’ve tried it, it’s hard.
I talked to her last night. She is so good in her mind, and soul. I rail against God. I want her back, I want control. But! She’s happy, she’s making plans. I see her happiness and I can’t take that away. Ah, free will. I wish I could take it away from her, but I can’t. I’m starting to understand why God gave us free will, it’s a hard lesson to learn as you watch your children use theirs. You see them struggle, make decisions that might not be the best, but you also see them grow, shine, gain confidence, stumble and pick themselves up again. You see them blossom because they are free. Then they turn to you and say how they love you for giving them free will and the chance to live their lives. They come to you willingly, call you, text you, and become your friends. God wishes the same for us. To come back to him and call him, talk to him, and welcome him into our lives on our own free will.
I am learning how to enjoy my children’s free will. Last night they both called me. My heart sang, I love them and am so proud of them. But what warms my heart and settles my spirit the most is that they call me, want a relationship with me, and are my friends. And they chose to do those things of their own free will.
Just Breathe 